In this article, a 31 year old lesbian talks about a visit to her doctor who “offers” in a sense to help her (help her medically I mean) should she ever decide to get pregnant and have a child. The author writes thoughtfully about her response to this. (To cut to the chase, she doesn’t want kids.) Her discussion about the pressures to raise kids creeping their way into gay life was an interesting and well-written one.

I always thought that one of the gifts gay people had was the power of choice.(It kind of makes up for some of the crap we’ve had to take. Kind of.)  Noooo, not the “choice” whether to be gay or not. DON’T even go there, OK? But choices borne of a certain freedom from the pressures the straight world traditionally has had: expensive weddings, children, etc.

When my partner and I decided to get married after a friendship of nearly 30 years, 13 years of which in a committed relationship in which we faced many hard issues, it was not done lightly. It was not done because !voila! we were allowed to in Massachusetts, or because our friends had. And people *were* asking questions like, “When are you two going to get married??” [Insert eye roll from me here.] We talked about it. A lot. And thought equally as hard about what our wedding was going to look like. My father-in-law unwittingly framed the whole thing quite well when, after the wedding, he gave the uncharacteristic compliment,  “Well, you could tell this wasn’t slapped together.”

Sure people were thrilled. (Most importantly, we are still.) I couldn’t believe all the hoopla about it. I asked a buddy of mine who is a married lesbian (with not one, but two kids) about this, and she said in her typically understated manner, “Weddings are something straight people understand.” I hope that ALL couples are REALLY thinking about what taking that step means. It’s not just about the party.

As well, ALL of should think VERY carefully about what having kids means: to us, to our partners, to our relationships and to our future children. And I mean no matter the make-up of your relationship if you have one. My partner and I  talked about kids too. A lot. And no we don’t have any. I believe that was the right choice. For us.

I loved how the author said that she had finally become the woman she wanted to be. And her life as she describes it is not dissimilar to mine at past 31, let’s say (I’m a bit of a late bloomer). 

If, however,  having kids is part of you being the person you wanted to be (and if you’ve really thought about what that might look like in three dimensions and in present and future time) I say, “Cool.” Because we really need parents like that.

I know it’s possible because I have some friends (girl and boy friends, gay and straight) who are those parents. You can still invite us over. We’re happy to hang out with your kids.